CAST OF CHARACTERS
ANDREW, An Official at House Canada.
BERNARD, likewise.
CHARLES, likewise.
DENISE, likewise.
ESTHER, likewise.
As the curtain rises, we see the interior of House Canada, its walls covered with Canadian flags. We also see an electrical box on fire and, nearby, four people standing next to a fire alarm box encased in glass.
ANDREW (reading off the fire alarm box): “In case of fire, break glass.” Well, I guess that’s it, then. Break it now!
CHARLES: Not so fast!
ANDREW: Why not? There’s a fire, yes?
CHARLES: Yes, we can say that there is.
ANDREW: And this says “in case of fire, break glass”, correct?
CHARLES: It does.
ANDREW: Then I break the glass.
CHARLES: Ah, Andrew… If only things could be so easy.
ANDREW: What do you mean?
BERNARD: What Charles is trying to say is that there is a proper procedure to follow before we can actually proceed with breaking the glass.
ANDREW: But that’s written right there! “In case of fire, break glass”… and there’s a fire… so…
BERNARD: It’s not because something says “in case of fire, break glass’’, that you have to do it whenever there’s a fire!
ANDREW: Then what are we supposed to do?
CHARLES: We properly assess the situation for a clearer understanding of the parameters involved before agreeing upon a specific course of action.
ANDREW: Meaning?
BERNARD: We wait.
DENISE (almost simultaneously): We wait.
CHARLES: Just as Denise and Bernard have said. We wait.
ANDREW: Wait for what?
BERNARD: For the problem to go away on its own.
Andrew looks perplexed.
BERNARD: It has worked before!
ANDREW: Look, the flames aren’t going away!
CHARLES: That’s open to interpretation.
ANDREW: Then how do you interpret that the fire is going up the wall now?
CHARLES: A temporary setback. Nothing to be afraid of.
ANDREW: Then shouldn’t we…?
BERNARD: It does not serve us to take action right now.
ANDREW: Does not serve us? How can you even say that?
CHARLES: You’re new around here, aren’t you? Well, I can understand why you might not know the proper procedure in case of fire.
ANDREW: But breaking the glass is just common sense!
BERNARD: Gah! Not that word!.
CHARLES: Terrible thing, common sense. Any time you hear someone say “common sense”, you know that they’re full of it. And I don’t mean full of common sense. You’re going to have to learn caution if you want to have a future as part of the management team of House Canada.
DENISE: Don’t worry, Andrew, I was like that at first too! Then I learned that second-guessing oneself almost to the point of procrastination was the key to enlightenment and success.
BERNARD: Everyone thinks that they have the right answer, until it turns out to be, well, not right.
ANDREW: But the box says, “in case of”…
CHARLES: Oh I’m sure that whoever designed that box had all the best intentions. But they’re not here, and we are. And we know what the fire looks like. Now ask yourself: Who is in the best position to make the most informed decision about whether to break the glass? The designer, or us?
ANDREW: I would break the glass.
Charles sighs.
CHARLES: Yes, I know you would. Fortunately, we stopped you in time.
ANDREW: Yes but will we stop the fire in time?
CHARLES: There’s no danger.
BERNARD: I’m prepared to forgive you for your rash call for action. But please don’t do it again.
ANDREW (looking at the fire, which has spread): The way things look… there won’t be a second chance.
CHARLES: Please. It’s obvious that you’re not aware of the proper context of why we cannot put out the fire just yet.
ANDREW: What do you mean?
CHARLES: You know who was in charge of the building when that faulty wiring was installed?
ANDREW: We were?
CHARLES: Heaven forbid, no! We at Liberal Holdings had nothing to do with it. That was installed by the previous owner. Harper Properties.
ANDREW: I see. Well… I think I do.
BERNARD: So you see why we cannot put out the fire just yet?
ANDREW: N… no? What I can see however is that the fire is actually spreading.
BERNARD: Yes. To some extent. Yes, I can see that too. Good.
ANDREW: Good? GOOD? How could House Canada being ablaze be good?
BERNARD (cynically): “Ablaze”… Good heavens.
CHARLES: Because if it’s ever “ablaze”, as you say, then we can blame Harper Properties for it! Damn it, do I have to explain everything to you?
ANDREW: That doesn’t make any sense!
CHARLES: It should! We’ve known for years that the wiring was faulty. We’ve repeatedly mentioned it — press releases, interviews, speeches — and every time we mentioned it we clearly stated that the faulty wiring was installed by Harper Properties. So, the residents know.
ANDREW: But Harper Properties is gone now! We’ve been in charge of the building for a decade!
DENISE: Irrelevant.
ANDREW: Irrelevant? We could have done something to fix it!
CHARLES: Which we could not do because of Harper Properties. There was so much work to be done when we took over… and there were more pressing matters, the heating, and the floor tiles in the lobby, and…
ANDREW: So if House Canada were to burn down, it’s the fault of Harper Properties? Is that what you’re saying?
CHARLES: IF House Canada were to burn down. If. Which won’t happen.
ANDREW: But when you told everyone about the faulty wiring, you just confirmed that you knew about it! And it’s been ten years since we took over the building from Harper Properties! The people will know that we could have taken action, and we didn’t.
BERNARD: That’s why we need to point out that even if we knew about it, we couldn’t take action.
ANDREW: But the wiring was faulty! We needed to replace it!
CHARLES: There was no reason to.
ANDREW: A fire is not enough?
CHARLES: The wiring was not on fire until now.
ANDREW: But you knew it would happen eventually.
BERNARD: Now is now. Before now it was merely a hypothetical fire.
DENISE: And we don’t like what’s hypothetical.
BERNARD: Because people hear “hypothetical” and they think it’s just straight from cuckoo land, and that makes us look like we’re out-of-touch idealists.
CHARLES: Common sense is a terrible thing, but idealism is even worse. In your case, Andrew, it seems to be both.
ANDREW: But that was not idealism. You knew about the fire hazard. You could have replaced the wiring just in case!
BERNARD: That’s idealism when you don’t have the funds for it.
CHARLES: Precisely. That would have been financially irresponsible. We had not planned on replacing the wiring in our last platform.
BERNARD: For that matter, we CAN’T have a fire right now! We haven’t costed it!
ANDREW: You could have increased rents, or cut on other expenses! Who cares about the tiling in the lobby if the building can go up in flames at any moment?
BERNARD: Do you realize how unpopular that would have been?
ANDREW: Okay, so let me get this straight… So… we do nothing, and if we burn down, that’s good because Harper Properties will get the blame for it?
CHARLES: Well, you’re cutting corners a bit, because… we’re not going to burn down… but that’s the general idea, yes. Can you imagine how popular that will make us when we tell the residents that Harper Properties is to blame?
ANDREW: But that’s ridiculous!
BERNARD: I’d hardly call a strategy that will ensure that we remain in charge of House Canada for another decade ‘ridiculous’.
ANDREW: What’s left of House Canada, you mean.
DENISE: Now you’re just being melodramatic.
ANDREW: If House Canada burns down, what will we be in charge of?
CHARLES: It won’t burn down.
ANDREW: It sure looks like it.
CHARLES: Nah, it won’t burn down, but if it does, which it won’t, then we blame Harper Properties. We can’t lose.
DENISE: Anyway public sentiment is against breaking the glass.
CHARLES: I’m glad you brought that up. We commissioned a poll the other day. Did you know that on the ninth floor alone, 72 percent of people are moderately to strongly opposed to the idea of breaking the glass in case of fire?
ANDREW: And why is that?
CHARLES: Because they don’t want to be reminded of the eventuality of fire. It’s like funerals, or dentists. Sure, they happen, but you bring them up, and people feel sad, and your support collapses. It’s like when we mentioned the faulty wiring, sure, we did, but in a roundabout way, so that they’d think that the worst that could happen was that the lights might go off when they shouldn’t, but nothing worse than that, and the circuit breakers would take care of the rest… Now that there’s a fire, we can blame Harper Properties for it, but before that…
ANDREW: Speaking of which: Now that there’s a fire, can we break the glass? Or would that still be too unpopular?
DENISE: Well… it’s a bit touchy. There was a recent Canadians for Fiscal Rectitude press release complaining about government waste on glass breakage, so you can see that there is at least some resistance to the idea.
BERNARD: Long story short: it’s safer to assume that the public is against breaking the glass.
ANDREW: Even in case of fire?
BERNARD: In case of. In case of. Again, we’re talking about a hypothetical fire.
ANDREW: Exactly. A hypothetical fire. And THIS doesn’t look like a hypothetical fire to me. What it looks like is that we’re going to burn down.
CHARLES: How many times will I have to tell you that House Canada will NOT burn down?
DENISE: We’re not even sure if we have jurisdiction to break the glass in the first place.
BERNARD: Important point! Important point — and one so easily overlooked! Breaking the glass will be interpreted as evidence that we think that we are facing an emergency, something that House Canada’s arbitration committee will look into after the fact to determine if we were right to believe that there was an emergency.
CHARLES: And that’s risky, because if we get it wrong, we will look bad.
BERNARD: That’s the first point. Second point: It’s always assumed that in the case of an emergency, the Head Concierge is the one who ultimately decides whether or not to take action. But the individual floor managers have the right to decide if a situation is an emergency, as long as the emergency is limited to their own floor. Then they may or may not request the intervention of the Head Concierge. If we act too quickly, the floor managers are bound to dispute our assessment that the situation was an emergency, even if it clearly was one. So, until we are absolutely certain that we have jurisdiction to do anything, we do nothing. People can’t blame us for what we don’t do, especially if we don’t have the proper authority to do it in the first place!
CHARLES: That’s right. It’s not just a question of blaming Harper Properties or wasting a pane of glass or even popular approval. It’s really a question of jurisdiction. And… this doesn’t look like a situation worth contacting the Head Concierge about — not yet. So, we wait.
ANDREW: Wait for what?
CHARLES: Well, since it’s now clear that the fire will not go out on its own, we’re waiting for…
BERNARD: …for the fire to spread to more than one floor. Obviously.
CHARLES: Obviously.
BERNARD: And even then, before taking any action, it’s better to secure the approval of all floor managers, even those from floors that aren’t burning yet, because heaven knows how susceptible they are when you don’t consult them over matters that have nothing to do with them!
CHARLES: And they never agree on anything! So even if we were to consider breaking the glass now… in all likelihood, we couldn’t!
ANDREW: That’s ridiculous!
DENISE: That’s House Canada.
ANDREW: Well then, let’s get the floor managers involved, quick!
BERNARD: We already did, to a certain extent. You know that we’ve made that burly fellow who’s the manager for this floor, what’s his name again, the new safety chief of House Canada? Well, since this is his floor, we can’t act until he asks us to.
CHARLES: Where is he anyway?
DENISE: Delivering a speech on how great he’s been at fire prevention somewhere.
BERNARD: And then there’s that lady who’s managing the seventh floor. You know that she’s an oil heiress, right? So we already know that she’s adamantly opposed to breaking the glass unless we fill the water tanks with gasoline first.
ANDREW: Madness!
CHARLES: Perhaps, but we can’t afford not to consider the idea.
ANDREW: It’s hopeless.
CHARLES: It’s NOT hopeless.
ANDREW: Can’t you see that House Canada is burning down and that we’re doing nothing to stop it?
DENISE: It’s not because the walls are engulfed in flames that it’s wise to claim that House Canada is burning down. Don’t you go around spreading disinformation now!
ANDREW: House Canada is burning down!
CHARLES (sighs): Fine. If that can please you, I’ll make a note to refer your concerns to a committee that will produce a report on the matter before the end of summer. But I have no doubt that it will report that House Canada is NOT burning down!
ANDREW: But that’s…
CHARLES: …the least you can expect from House Canada.
ANDREW: The least indeed.
CHARLES: Hmm… on second thought, it might indeed be wise to refer the matter to a committee after all. When the report comes out, we’ll see what we can do.
ANDREW: Can’t we just hurry things up?
CHARLES: All in good time. All in good time. There’s no fire… uh… you know what I mean.
ANDREW: Look, someone’s going to have to break the glass sooner or later! Whether it’s the Head Concierge or someone else!
BERNARD: Please, no breach of procedure! It’s the Head Concierge and nobody else.
CHARLES: Indeed. But the crucial question is when. We can’t afford to hurry this up. We’ll have to confer with the Head Concierge at any rate.
Esther enters the room.
ESTHER (looking at the fire): Say what’s going on in here? Oh.
BERNARD: Nothing to worry about, Esther dear. We were about to consult with the Head Concierge before doing anything.
ESTHER: The… you mean… you haven’t heard?
BERNARD: Heard what?
ESTHER: The Head Concierge! He’s just resigned!
CHARLES: Well, Andrew, there’s your answer. That’s going to be later than sooner.
ANDREW: But that’s so absurd!
CHARLES: It all makes perfect sense when you are properly informed. You know our house rules, right?
ANDREW: You mean the Constitution of House Canada?
CHARLES: No, not that. As you already know, I have the utmost respect for the Constitution of House Canada. But it doesn’t matter in this situation. I meant OUR house rules.
DENISE: The Guidelines and Procedures of Liberal Holdings.
CHARLES: Exactly. We have a way of doing things and we’re not going to diverge from it no matter what. That’s what procedure is for.
ANDREW: Even in the case of an emergency?
CHARLES: The matter is of some concern, but hardly an emergency. It’s not my call anyway, it’s… well… now that the fire has reached the ceiling, I guess that more than one floor is affected, so the Head Concierge would have jurisdiction. But, as you can see, there’s no Head Concierge anymore, so it would be quite improper to break the glass now.
DENISE: Well, he’s still there, in theory, but he doesn’t count anymore.
ANDREW: So the Head Concierge is still there or not?
BERNARD: It’s really a question of authority now. If he had broken the glass before resigning, it would have posed no problem. But that was obviously out of the question according to the circumstances which we have just explained to you.
ANDREW: And now?
CHARLES: Let me read from the Guidelines and Procedures: “Should the Head Concierge lose a confidence vote at a scheduled janitorial convention of Liberal Holdings, resign, become incapacitated, or die, he or she is to remain in place until his or her successor has been duly elected by all shareholders of Liberal Holdings.”
ANDREW: So the Head Concierge is still there? Is he?
ESTHER: Sort of. He’s mopping about.
ANDREW: Then he should break the glass!
CHARLES: That’s out of the question.
ANDREW: Why?
CHARLES: Because you don’t want to let the man who’s leaving get all the credit for breaking the glass! From a public relations standpoint, that’s useless. That’s also why there’s no point in asking the Deputy Head Concierge to do it instead, or, if we can’t find the Deputy Head Concierge, one of the Head Concierge’s assistants — namely, us — even though it’s the accepted procedure. Because as far as Liberal Holdings is concerned, the best course of action is to wait for the new Head Concierge to do it.
ANDREW (exasperated): Okay, okay. How long before a new Head Concierge is elected?
CHARLES: Well… taking into account that we have to organize an unscheduled janitorial convention, debates, campaign signs… you know, the works… I’d say, um, two months?
ANDREW: Two MONTHS?
CHARLES: Give or take a fortnight.
BERNARD: Three months, to be on the safe side.
ANDREW: There won’t be anything left of House Canada by then!
CHARLES: Don’t be so pessimistic! First we organize a janitorial convention, and when we’ve picked a new Head Concierge, we invite the press here, and THEN the new Head Concierge breaks the glass in front of the cameras… Well… maybe not “breaks”, but makes a speech that he’s about to. Whether he actually does will depend on circumstances. Either way, imagine the publicity! The new Head Concierge will be so popular after that! In fact… you might be looking at him right now…
ANDREW: You?
BERNARD: In his dreams, yeah! You know, I was having lunch at that new French restaurant the other day, and I could hear people at the next table talking about how I would make a perfect Head Concierge!
DENISE: You’re both ridiculous. I’ve been fine-tuning a platform for Head Concierge ever since I joined the staff here!
CHARLES: I should be the next Head Concierge!
BERNARD: No, I’m the best candidate!
DENISE: Do you not know that there is only one proper choice for Head Concierge of House Canada, and that it is yours truly?
ESTHER: You know, I have quite a few ideas of my own!
ANDREW: I guess I’ll break the glass now.
CHARLES: NO.
BERNARD (simultaneously): NO.
DENISE (simultaneously): NO.
ESTHER (simultaneously): NO.
BERNARD: There is only one choice to lead House Canada: me! I promise as my first action as Head Concierge to break the glass!
CHARLES: What these perilous times require is stability, which I best represent! This glass can only be broken by a steady hand!
DENISE: House Canada needs bold action and serious commitm…
The ceiling collapses on everyone. A falling beam hits the glass and breaks it, triggering the fire alarm. It is the only sound to be heard over the raging flames.
THE END
